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News for dating on Monday 21 May 2012
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My First First Date in Ages - Things to Think about Beforehand (Lifestyle Therapy)
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist. She works with clients to help them recover confidence and self esteem levels and heal negative experiences from the past. See www.lifestyletherapy.net
It can be very difficult as we get older, to find an available, attractive potential partner who ticks all the relevant boxes for us. Most of us want someone who is solvent, not too set in their ways, fun, personable. Unless we have a good group of friends and contacts who are prepared to siphon their single friends our way, then we either have to build busy single lives for ourselves in the hope that we meet someone along the way, or tap into the various partner-finding mechanisms out there.
Being happily and comfortably single can be absolutely fine, but there are times when all the world seems to be full of couples and then we can feel a little lonely. So taking some steps to find a friend, companion or maybe even a lover can help us feel that we are being proactive and doing something to remedy our situation.
Before we reach the stage of agreeing to meet with someone for the first time it is important to have exchanged emails or phone calls for a little while first. This helps in establishing whether there is any common ground on which to build a friendship on. Throughout this initial exchange it is important to protect our own safety. Revealing too much personal information to a stranger is best avoided, no matter how genuine or sincere they appear. So keep things like home address, place of work, private at this stage. Some people only give out their mobile number, not their land line number until they know someone well.
The first meeting is best done on neutral ground, preferably somewhere where there are other people, like a smart coffee bar. It is a good idea to come in ones own car so that there is independent transport readily available, have a mobile phone handy and tell friends where we are going, when and with whom. Sometimes arranging for a friend to phone after say an hour, can provide an emergency escape route if needed, as the phone call can be treated as a reminder of somewhere else we need to be, and so facilitate leaving if necessary.
Usually it is a good idea to keep that first meeting to a time limit of between one to two hours, no more. No matter how well you are both getting on, it is sometimes difficult to gauge if one person is just being polite. Then, if there is a second date, it means both parties are happy to meet again.
Also it is important not to give away too much information on a first date. Keep some mystery. There is no need to run through ones' whole life story or details of past relationships at this time. This information is better left to evolve over a period of time, in the natural course of events.
Some information, though, does need to be openly shared early on. By concealing important information, like whether or not the divorce is final, if there are children, being a smoker or liking a drink if the new date is strongly anti-smoking or teetotal, sharing a house with ones ex partner, even age, can all become a problem if revealed once the relationship is in full swing, months down the line. It can then feel that the whole relationship has been built on a lie.
'Start as you mean to go on' is a good piece of advice. Being honest about tastes in music, food, entertainment, sport can lead to negotiation, but only if openly discussed. There is no point in pretending to love the countryside if you really hate it, because eventually weekends become full of the dread of muddy boots, long treks, aching limbs and cloudy skies.
The truth is, every new relationship has to start with a first date. The key is to be responsible for yourself and your choices, take care of your safety, be reasonably sensible and then, take it steady and be honest and patient with the getting to know process. Relax, have fun and enjoy.
For further information:
My First First Date in Ages - Things to Think about Beforehand
Lifestyle Therapy
3 Alstone Drive
Oldfield Brow
Altrincham
Cheshire
WA14 4LD
United Kingdom
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